Momma my mind screams when I hear his footsteps down the hall.My tears slide down my saddened face as the thunder rolls outside and I close my baby blue eyes to the danger nearing my door.With every footstep my heart breaks as it beats even faster in fear.I cant scream even though my throat seeks to cry out in shame.His fingers close around my ankles as his other hand pulls down my poo bear pajama pants to reveal my cotton panties. I cant breathe in that small moment because hes about to force himself in me one more time while you lay awake yet you dont stir nor even take the notion to help me. I feel him enter me and I squeal in my own profound misery while he thrusts deeper until the blood flows like a river down my thighs. I cant fight because my body is so tired and the strong in me is dying slowly because no one will help me. He pumps in even harder until I dig my hands into my own sheets trying to make the agony stop. His grunts disgust me and make me want to disappear so silence will free me from this prison of hell. It seems like hours before he finally stops and by then Im cold,naked, and covered in his sick release. He smacks my face and threatens me.Warning me if I tell he will hurt my baby brother so I just get dressed and let him pull the covers over me while I conceal the ache in my soul................
Years go by and it happens every day
Sixteen.I stay out all night to avoid him.Boys offer me cocaine and weed and I take it to forget the years of torment.I know when I get home that his angry fists will rain down on me because he didnt get to sate his sick fantasies.Bad trips.I ignore the bruises and the scars.Just suck it up and continue on.The girls at school call me a slut and my brother tries to get me to tell the secret ive hidden so long.Hes only fifteen and my pervert of a father is a role model but he cant see that the man he adores is a monster in my eyes.He yells at me because I dont listen to dear old daddy.But he says Im just a selfish bitch so I keep it to myself because no living soul will ever believe me.
Months pass with barely a little relief....
I ignore the stares and fake a smile even though they whisper in this town.My mom tells me Im nothing but a disgrace while she watches him beat me day in and day out.I dont need nobodys pity nor their sympathy.My heart is dead and I dont think at all even when the evil lurking my sense of self creeps in.I will be free soon.The teachers ask and I just deny.Tell false truths because I cant hurt my brother.Id rather suffer and feel like a nobody than ever let him find out whats been happening since I was barely even six years old.
Eighteen.I pick up and run with a man I barely know.Sirens blare.Running from the law and the past.Dealing crack and prostituting.I get a reputation and Im charged.Forsaking my boyfriend and turned into the feds.Put in jail for a year because I rat a few dealers out but inside my cell.The girls try and take advantage of me but I beat them down because I aint taking no crap anymore.
Daddy dearest trys to come see me but I refuse.My brother comes in and asks me on a visit I regret.I tell him everything and he says Im a liar and fucked up so I watch him leave.I take it day by day until I am free and on the streets again. I meet someone six months later and fall in love for the first time.He is amazing and treats me well.I shy away when he tries to hold me but finally open up.He listens and says I should tell it all and have that beast locked up but I tell him I just want to be with him and that all that is over.I marry him two years later and we start a family far away from my childhood drama.
I watch my son grow.No contact with my estranged family though my dad trys to email me and I just delete them without reading.When my baby boy turns eighteen I finally bring him to see my family.Its hard to forgive but I let him know them though part of me hates them.My dad wants to talk in private so I let my guard down which was the biggest disaster.He pins me to the wall and marks me again.I fight back but he clamps his hands over my mouth.I knee him and tell my son to come on.he asks me why Im crying but I remain silent as I drive home.I dont tell my husband even though he asks.
I wait til he falls asleep and slip off into the night.I park in an abandoned lot and I walk to the bridge.I stand on the beam and look down at the sea of black below.The wind blowing through my raven locks and I feel at peace as I spread my broken wings and fly to my death.The water crushes me with its icy grasp and fills my lungs.Drowning my heart and all the memories.
The next morning
The note on the nightstand he picks up as he begins to sob with the realization that Im gone:
It reads
"I love you my sweet angel even though if your reading this than Im already gone.He raped me again today but I was too hurt and ashamed to tell you.I made a mistake going there but I see now that Ill never be free until I remove myself from this never changing sphere of repetition but please dont blame yourself.I was never meant to live it was by gods grace that I made it this long.He gave me you and a beautiful son which is more than I deserve.I ask that you print my story because its time I tell on the man whos pushed me over the edge.Im finally free of the bars and now I dont have to fight those demons anymore.Be strong because Ill always be with you and tell my son that I never meant to hurt him this way but that it was time I spread my torn wings and freed myself from this cage.That he is everything to me and that I love him so much.
This is the end
I LOVE YOU
SATI
My story is sad but the world is cruel.I was a bird that couldnt fly because I was broken but now its over and the world will move on.I was always the black sheep of the family.A nobody but now I am a somebody and to all those kids who are just like me.Be strong and carry on but do not let it go on.Tell someone before it gets worse or you will end up in a herse just like me.Because the pain can crush even the toughest.Save yourselves
